untitled ({Day 86})

Lately, thankfully time is going by a little faster. Much faster than the first month after diagnosis. I've had my ups and downs and am starting to feel more balanced with everything. I don't know if I will ever fully figure out how to just be normal while going through this, or I guess by normal I mean how I used to be. I start to tear up that I will probably always live with fear in the back of my mind that something could be wrong. I talk to people that have been through this (my Mom mainly) and she said that it does fade, but it is a real struggle. (See what I'm doing...already worrying about the future!)

I just finished chemo number 5 out of 12 today. It feels good to be almost half way. There is still a part of me that thinks I **might** be done after 8 but we will see how my scan goes and what my Oncologist says. I will do whatever he says, hands down. If that's 2 rounds (4 more cycles 1 every 2 weeks) of chemo and then radiation then I will do it. If he says lets go straight to radiation I will GLADLY do it! I will get another scan after 2 or 3 more cycles (so after number 7 or 8). It's very possible that the Cancer will be completely gone. I'm praying for this so bad. I know whatever happens that God has a perfect plan for me.

My last treatment was pretty rough on me so I'm hoping its not like that this time. I also got a stomach bug just a few days before chemo 5 which was NOT fun at all. I still pushed through chemo. We are staying on schedule unless something major is wrong. I love my doctor, he knows how much I need to stick to the plan.

I have been pretty hard on myself the past few weeks. I've gained 10 lbs of the 30 I've lost (mainly from steroids that I'm on.) It sucks big time but I know It's MUCH better to gain weight on chemo than lose. I need to remember that my focus is getting better not losing weight right now. It's hard because being healthy and losing weight (besides being a mommy/wife) were my main priorities before this. I have to trust in myself that I will get to a point after this is over where I will be back to measuring portions and working out daily. Now is not the time. I'm jealous of my friends who are able too (don't worry I love you all tons) but its hard sitting on the side lines. Really hard. I need to get over that. I almost feel like I've let people down. But what can I do? Fighting this is my main concern and that's what I am going to continue doing. Now this is not an excuse to binge on junk food or sweets. Definitely not. I need to treat my body kindly but I definitely can't be on my 1400 calorie plan anymore or push myself to the limits in workouts. I'm getting winded so easy now its awful, so I might just go back to walking on the treadmill and 21 day fix. Insanity and 21 day fix extreme are just too much right now.

Pretty much that's all that's new right now...here are some recent pictures

My reason for everything :)

Before chemo

During chemo

Lots of love, Annie

Step 2: Finding My New Normal ({Day 24})

In my eyes things are chaotic. 

To others it probably doesn't look that way.

 I'm really good at holding things in, which is not a good thing in itself. That is why I love writing. I feel like I can clear my mind without speaking. If that even makes sense. I do know that I need to accept that things aren't going to be how they were for a while. I need to learn things will be different BUT they will be okay. Things WILL be HARD but I know I will fight it.

Last week all of my staging tests were pretty really ****** tiring. Friday's bone marrow test was the roughest. I took a double dose of anxiety pills before that one so I wouldn't scream throughout the whole thing. Tuesday January 20th I had a PET scan which basically scans an almost 3d image of my body so we could see where the Lymphoma has spread. It blows. The day before you can't have any carbs at all and the day of you have to fast. My test wasn't until 12:45 and it took two hours to perform the scan. After we went to Panda Express and I scarfed down. Then we met up with my Oncologist who had all of my results. I was so anxious...

The Good News:

• The cancer is only in places above my diaphragm so I am Stage 2A (early stage yay!)
•  It is NOT in my bone marrow (based off of early test results. There is slight possibility they could still find something when the other centers test it but probably not).

The Not So Good News:

Besides the swollen lymph nodes in my armpit (that are full of cancer cells) I have lymph nodes in my neck that have it. Its also in my lung tissue. And lastly I have a bigger than 10 cm mass around my heart. Since the mass in my chest is bigger than 10 cm it is considered 2A Bulky. That means a longer treatment than normal. I was REALLY upset about this. But when I think logically about this I know that it is very common in Hodgkin's lymphoma (or any type) for it to be all over like this. Yeah its more chemo treatment and now most likely radiation but if that's what I have to do I will do it!

When I met with the surgeon today (consultation about my power port for chemo) he said that my type of Cancer is so rare he has only seen half a dozen cases in the past 10 years but it is still the Cancer of choice (I hear that all the time now). He said my case was presented at their board meeting and that I have a lot of doctors and other medical staff on my side all people with tons of experience with this. They are the best around and I am so glad I chose the hospital I did.

I also had ANOTHER scan today. This time a Cat scan. I've never had one of these either and it was weird. I felt like I was in a movie or something. I still can't believe this is my life now. The man that did my scan was a little crazy. I was closing my eyes through the whole thing and I when I opened them he was literally right over me and said "how'd ya do?" in a creepy voice. hahahah I literally laughed out loud and almost peed my pants. Then he said he was "sorry I'm having all these troubles it just doesn't seem right for someone so young." I said "Life's not fair but I'll get through it." What else do you say to that? I have no idea,  and it is hard having to find responses for things people say lately. Sometimes online I don't respond because its just hard. I'm planning on it and I hope I don't come across as a brat. I just can't sometimes. I have a million and one different feelings every single day. I'm happy then I'm crying then I'm mad then I'm happy again. I'm happiest with my boys. It's been so hard being away from them for all these appointments. The good news is my most common feeling is still happy. I know it will all be OK.

Upcoming schedule:

Wednesday January 28: Same day surgery to get my Power Port put in. It is a port that will be placed under my skin in my chest area so that they don't have to stab me with IV's for chemo every time. It will come out 6 to 12 months after I'm done with treatment. It will look like a bump on my chest but no big deal.

Friday January 30th: First round of ABVD chemo. I will get more into this in a later post. I am so so excited to start as weird as that sounds. I'm ready to feel better. My treatments will be every 2 weeks for 4 months. Then we will do another scan and see. After that I may need 2 more months of chemo and then a few weeks of radiation. But right now I'm just going to focus on getting through the next four months! So I will be counting down my next 8 chemo sessions like crazy!

Lots of love! xoxo-Annie

Step 1: Just Calm Down ({Day 11})

I'm still trying to calm down about this whole situation. I feel like its so hard to make plans for anything in the future because I have no idea of when my treatments will be. But I'm just going to keep. going. Friday, January 9th was my first appointment with a hematological Oncologist. I am happy to now say he is my oncologist. He has quite the personality ((for a doctor)) and I felt very confident with him. He knows his shit too so of course that's great. 

I imagined sitting in an office on the other side of a super expensive dark espresso Oak desk, with tall shelves full of books around us, with family pictures and college degrees hanging all over. Nope, not like that at all. The Cancer Center I'm going too is quite new and really big. The first part where we met with my Oncologist was in just a pretty normal doctor office type room. We met for about an hour and I brought my note book with a page front and back full of questions. He gave me his schpheel and really wrote down and visually helped me understand what we knew so far was going on. He also explained that we still don't know much about what was going on with me since we still only have my biopsy results to go off of. He's just guessing Stage II and I really hope he's right... he did tell me that if he had to pick a type of Cancer to get that Hodgkins Lymphoma would be at the top of the list. That made me feel pretty good. Then I had some blood taken, met with a bunch of other staff and met with the scheduler to get my first appointments. They don't even let you choose they just hand you a calender with your appointments. I also got about 25 different books/pamphlets about cancer and different things. My bag was so heavy! This day was very hard for me. It was just emotionally draining and basically a harsh reality check. I never thought I would be in this position, especially SO young. I never thought that I, a healthy 28 year old woman who has changed her unhealthy habits would get Cancer. Anyway, onto the schedule...

All this week and the first part of next week I have tests:

Monday: Pulmonary Function Test-This is to make sure my heart is strong enough for the Chemo drugs. If I have a weaker heart there is a chance one of the drugs can make it weaker. If I have a normal heart he said not to worry.

Tuesday: Pulmonary Function Test and "Chemo Class"- the first part is a test to see if my lungs are strong and if I have any allergic reaction to one of the drugs in my chemotherapy regimen. Then later my hubby and I will go to a class and learn everything we need to know about chemo and ask all my questions. 

Friday: More blood work and BONE MARROW BIOPSY- the first is self explanatory. But then, they have to take a sample of my bone marrow from my hip to make sure that the Cancer cells haven't spread to my bone marrow. Heard this hurts a bit, but I'm ready.

Tuesday (20th): PET Scan  & appointment with Onc: A Pet scan is where you have to drink a radio active dye that basically goes to any part of your body where there is cancer. Its at 1:00 in the afternoon and I get the pleasure of fasting until then and very low carbs the day before....fun fun! THEN the moment I've been waiting for. I will meet with my oncologist and we will go over all the results and find out what stage I'm at. I will find out how many courses of chemo therapy I will need and what else is going to happen...we will also schedule my chemo sessions.

So basically I now know my schedule until the 20th which is nice. I'm sad because my ladies day Ski class that I'm doing with a friend is Tuesday's but beating this and getting my life put back together comes first! ALSO, I'm so happy he said he doesn't see anything wrong with me still going on our Florida Vacation in February. So pumped, but slightly nervous! If I don't feel comfortable with it I won't go. But we just have to wait and see.

I was very very anxious this past week, almost devastatingly anxious. My chest was so tight all the time and sometimes I felt like I couldn't breath. My onc prescribed me a low dose anxiety pill I can take when I feel really anxious but I will use it sparingly. I've only taken it once and it did help A LOT. I am going to live my life as normal as possible. That's all I can do. I do feel like I have no control over anything and can't make any plans because I only know my schedule a week and a half out for now.  However, I feel like I'm starting to come to terms with this a little more each day. There is nothing I can do to change my diagnosis, but there is PLENTY I can do to make my time FIGHTING this better. I am looking so so so forward to starting treatment and beating this bastard inside of me (thats what she said ha!) I know their will be side effects but those are minimal compared to the side effect of the option of no chemo!

Here are a few fun pics from Hunter's birthday party! I just can't believe how fast my boys are growing.

i'm in the pink

 

I will also list each day of my journey this is with each post. Day 1 is Dec 29, 2014 the day I was diagnosed. I saw this on another lymphoma fighters blog and I really like the idea.

ALSO, don't be mad that I haven't responded to blog comments I've had the wrong email on their! Changing it now!

Lots of love xoxo- Annie

Blessed Beyond Measure

 WARNING: super sappy post!

Wait...what? You have Cancer how could YOU even think your blessed in any way whatsoever??? To anyone thinking that I say obviously you don't know me, and although the past week has been interesting to say the least I cannot and will not lose my outlook on life. I found this unbelievably awesome prayer on pinterest and after praying together with my husband last night we had an amazing conversation. Basically, God has control. He is in charge. I'm giving everything to him while fighting the hardest I can. I know he is SO GOOD and I know everything will be okay. With God and some amazing oncologists on my side nothing can stop me.

Why else am I so lucky? I have the BEST support system anyone could ever ask for! My husband will be with me at every treatment, My kids will be so happy that my Mom will be with them while I'm getting my treatments and recovering (they won't want her to leave), my in laws are always ALWAYS helping in so many ways even though they are farther away. My church is so incredible I feel like I have a second family. And lastly my friends. Even ones I haven't known very long have shown so much love and support. My in town friends got together and surprised me Friday night...I was having such a rough day and this made it SO much better. I have felt sometimes that I don't deserve all of this love coming my way. I know I'm not always the best of friends or can be flaky, but this shows that I am going to be the best friend I can be. Showing my love to others even if I don't know them is my new purpose because everyone deserves to know this feeling. I'm tearing up right now just thinking of all of the people who have reached out. Thank you so much for all the kind thoughts and especially prayers. I love everyone of you.

I love my friends, and I ate all the cookies

 in the box haha!

Group pic except for Lacey

NYE FUN! Shanica, Caitlin, Me and Brittney and photobomber haha!

This week I plan to write about how I was diagnosed and what I found that made me call the doctor...if you are also going through something like this please reach out! missfitnessannie@gmail.com

xoxo Annie