Dear Cancer, Go F**ck Yourself

I want to apologize in advance for the sailor mouth nature of this post...I have been waiting to publish this  because I was unsure about that part. But I want to be as real and as raw as possible so I'm going for it!

Dear Cancer,

When I first was diagnosed I got a key chain from a good friend that had the following on it...

All of that is absolutely true...but what Cancer CAN do is go f**ck itself. (I'm sorry about the language but stay with me here).

Cancer, you've tried your hardest to take away all that you've could from me but your operation is weak. I should have been done with treatment by now but you've had other "plans." What is with this not going away bull shit? You think you're a bad ass because you were resistant to my first go around at chemo? Not so fast, your are shrinking down to nothing inside of me and I don't have any room for you to come back. Not only that, but by making my life more difficult you are only egging me on. You see, every little thing that doesn't go right only makes me that much STRONGER. Now, I'm pulling out the big guns. You're taking me away from my babies for FIVE WEEKS. While that hurts me more than anyone can imagine you are not the winner of this fight, I AM. You'll see I will come out of this even stronger than I ever was. You are teaching me my greatest life lesson. Every day I am learning more and more about not taking any single moment for granted. About being the best Mom and Wife I ever could be, instead of letting you take over my life. Cancer, I am not a slave to you and never will be. Yes, the rest of this year will be hard but you know what...I can take it! You've taught me that I'm pretty much a bad ass and you are not as powerful as you think you are. 

Yes, the rest of my life I will be monitored and scanned more than the average person, but you know what? Good! I will know whats going on and will be able to count the years of remission and to remember how strong I am. You have brought me close with others who have fought or are fighting this battle, each one teaching me something new. We all have a common bond of being bad asses for life. You're time in me is short lived, Cancer. All I have left to say is good riddance. 

Yours Truly,

Acceptance.

First off notice anything different??? One of my best friends and I have decided to blog together because two is so much better than one right?? Introducing, Cait who is awesome and I know she will add great content to the blog. I really wanted to bring her in because she too is facing challenges and everyday overcomes them with positivity and grace and that's what I want this blog of ours to be about (plus she is AMAZING at make up so watch for great tutorials). But seriously, she has inspired me so much during my trials and I know she will do the same for all of you. We will have a longer post with more info soon once our blog design is finished!

Five months. Five months is how long it took me to finally reach the acceptance phase in this whole f'd up process. It took my diagnosis completely changing from Good to ehh not so good to be at peace with this situation. As of now I've had two of the harsher chemotherapy's and let me tell you YES they have been harder but NO they aren't bringing me down. What sucks is being in the hospital for 2 days during it. It is so boring. I better get used to it because I'll be in the hospital for 3 weeks during my bone marrow transplant. I'm also noticeably more fatigued after and the nausea breaks through a little more, but its all manageable. I have a lot of help with my kids so I am able to rest up and recover. Tomorrow (Monday) begins my "good week" so I'll be on my own with the kids and be able to just do normal fun summer stuff with them before my next dose! 

This coming Thursday (July 9) is a big big day for me. I have a PET scan to see how the Cancer is responding to this new chemo. I hope and pray to have a CR (complete response), but am expecting the worst so I won't be to let down if that's not the case. If it's not responding at all then we will have to find a different chemo that it will respond too. But the odds are pretty decent, there is about a 70% chance that it WILL respond to my current chemo.  If it is a PR (partial response) I will have two more doses of this chemo and then another scan to make sure it's gone before the transplant. If its a CR than I will just have one more dose of this chemo before transplant. 

Lastly, I'm scheduled to start the harvesting process on July 22nd after my third round of ICE. I'm nervous for all the transplant stuff because it is so much STUFF. Some days I just have to be content with knowing how up in the air things are going to be during/after but its so hard for a control freak like me. Plus I'm going to miss my kids like crazy. 

Anyway, hope this little update was informative! Keep watching for more info on all the new stuff! I hope y'all like it. Also new web address is: www.annieandcait.blogspot.com :)

I Can't Believe I'm Writing This...(Again)

Recently, A LOT of things have changed. And not in a good way. When I was diagnosed I was breathing easy because everyone told me this was this "easy" or "good" kind of Cancer. But this just in their is not any type of Cancer that is "easy" or "good." First off, Hodgkins Lymphoma as curable as it is, is very rare. There are only 7 to 8000 cases a year. So mine already being rare has gotten even rarer. I am now a part of the unlucky minority that has Primary Refractory Hodgkins. What is that? Basically, my cancer is resistant to the ABVD chemo treatment that I'm on, and not going away like it should be. It should be gone by now. But unfortunately its not. 

Let me back track a bit. This past Tuesday we went down to Salt Lake City to visit the Huntsman Cancer Institute and see a Lymphoma Specialist. This lady was awesome and I feel very lucky that she is on my team now. However, she delivered the very bad news. I was a bawling mess and luckily my husband was there to ask all the right questions. So what happens now? I still have to get my biopsy done (tomorrow), and then meet with my doctor next Wednesday to go over results. But no matter what the results I have a new much longer journey ahead of me. 

Here's whats going to happen:

Monday, June 15th: I will start a harder chemotherapy called ICE. For this you have to be admitted into the hospital and it takes three days to complete. I am going to have to find some good books and shows on Net Flix to get through these. (My awesome neighbor let me borrow the book "Unbroken" and I'm pumped to start that!) I will have 3 to 4 of these treatments and they are every two weeks.

-After 2 rounds of ICE I will get another PET Scan to see how its working. Then keep trucking along with the chemo. If I have four cycles I will have the last one July 27th. 

-After 3 ICE treatments my Stem Cells will be harvested from my bone marrow and frozen for transplant. I'm not sure of the process of this but I meet with the transplant team in Salt Lake on June 22nd to learn more and start the process.

-Wait what??? Did she just say transplant? Yes, I'll be getting a Stem Cell Transplant. This is what I'm most scared for. Scared shitless actually. Basically what will happen is I will be admitted to the hospital (Huntsman) and started on the hardest course of Chemotherapy anyone could imagine. It is going to kill every last cell inside of me. This last 6 days and I'm in the hospital the whole time. Then comes "Day 0" transplant day AKA my "RE BIRTH" day. I will get those harvested stem cells put back in and have a whole new immune system starting to develop inside of me. For the next 3 weeks I will remain in the hospital because my immunue system wont be able to handle the outside world. Its going to be hard and I won't be back to normal for months or even a year but it will all be worth it.It also usually causes infertility, but I am at peace with that and will look to God for guidance. It will be a whole new chance at this BEAUTIFUL life. I'm thankful that God and modern science have given me this "opportunity" or a whole new chance at a wonderful CANCER FREE life afterwards.

-A few months after that I will still go through radiation and then on day +100 from my transplant I will get a PET Scan which WILL be clean and Cancer free. That should be around New Years and I should be a whole new Woman by then!

Honestly, this all really sucks. And I was so mad/sad/frustrated/pissed at first. But I CAN do this. This will be (hopefully) the hardest thing I have to face in life. All I know is that my two boys and my wonderful hubby are going to have their healthy Mommy back and I can't freakin wait. 

Hurry up and WAIT

A lot of friends have been wondering why I'm getting another biopsy on my neck this time. I'll go back and update on everything that has happened the past few weeks. It's honestly almost been *too* much for me. Notice how I said ALMOST. I've pushed through and am stronger every day even when life is not going in the best way possible.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago I had my re staging PET Scan to see how well the chemo has been destroying the Cancer.

• The Good News: It is almost gone in my chest and lungs and completely gone in my arm pit.
• Not So Good News: Some lymph nodes in my neck are still "lighting up" the same amount as in my first scan. We need to find out why they are still so bright. I found out that Cancer is not the only thing that lights up in these scans. It's actually any form of "energy." So they could be lighting up still due to infection or a variety of other reasons. This is *most likely* the case. So they need to remove a few of the "hot" lymph nodes in my neck. I thought this would be a simple little surgery but it turns out since the lymph nodes are NOT swollen they need to first have me do a CAT Scan right before surgery. During the CAT scan they will place needle markers in the "hot" lymph nodes to point out which ones to remove. These needles will stick out of my neck (I will try and get a selfie) until I get them removed during surgery (I'm thinking Ill look like Frankenstein!) Within a couple days after that I will find out whether they are positive or negative for lymphoma (or heaven forbid a different type of Cancer). If they are negative then I will just continue on my treatment plan. If they are positive then I will have to see a lymphoma specialist and do a different treatment (most likely a harder chemo regimen). Please pray it is negative. If anything counts I'm feeling really good about this and my instincts tell me its going to be negative. My surgery is Wednesday June 10th so hopefully we will know about that Friday. I'm continuing with my normal chemo *tomorrow* and then the day after surgery. I only have three more after this one as long as everything goes as hoped!

  

  As you can see it does look WAY better. It's hard to see the hot spots in my neck in this picture.

Like I wrote above even with this curve ball I am feeling good. Whatever happens it will work out. My oncologist even told me he has a gut feeling its all going to be ok, and that no matter what the outcome of the biopsy we will beat this! Right now its just a "hurry up and wait" situation. I'm getting kind of used to that! I know God has a plan and he knows all so I'm trusting him, and honestly that makes me feel AMAZING. I'm in perfect hands. 

Side Effects...({Day 58})

I haven’t written in weeks (hello captain obvious) but while I was on vacation, living the island life gave me the inspiration I needed. I am so beyond happy that I decided to still go on vacation even while on chemo treatments. My oncologist gave me the go ahead. Yes, there was risk on the plane of catching something but not enough to not enjoy a vacation. We are diligent in watching for a fever or anything like that in which I would head straight to the hospital. Basically, the pros outweigh all the “what if’s.” The main thing I hate about Cancer is all of the stupid “what ifs” and “ can I’s?”… It’s like your life is one big guessing game. What if I do that? Can I even do that? Can I eat that? Can I TOUCH that? Oh shit I forgot to wash my hands for the one freaking millionth time today! Honestly, I can’t live scared of the what if’s. The first night we got to beautiful Clearwater Beach we dropped off our bags and headed straight down the pristine white sand beach. We were in sandals but it’s hard to walk in sand with shoes so I took mine off. My hubby says “I’m surprised your walking bare feet in this there is a lot of bacteria.” What the hell? I said I’m going to enjoy my vacation and put my feet in the sand. He totally understood of course and agreed with me.  I’ve also enjoyed some alcoholic bevs I mean who couldn’t? It’s actually been great but not something I’ll do when I get back, I need to be as healthy as possible through treatment. However, the amazing thing is that before and when  I was diagnosed if I drank even half a glass of wine my lump under my arm pit and whole arm would itch and hurt SO bad…bad enough I would feel like chopping my arm off. It’s a side effect of drinking alcohol when you have lymphoma. So of course  I was nervous to try a drink here. BUT AMAZINGLY I had no bad effects. The chemo is working so well! After only two treatments my mass in my arm pit is SO small and my chronic cough is GONE. I’m looking forward to the third (today) to see if we can get rid of the arm pit mass all the way! It’s these victories against this evil disease that really keep me going. I know here in a few treatments everything I can feel will be gone and I will be wondering why we still need to finish them but I will keep going…keep pushing through. I mean I’ve only done two (three by the time I get this posted) and have most likely 12 treatments total (possibly only eight if I’m lucky but I almost WANT to have all 12 to nip this in the bud permanently).

Everyone asks me about my hair. I mean the week before we left on vacation I still had all of mine. My oncologist said I WILL DEFINITELY lose my hair (Usually between day 10 through 17 after my first treatment.) Well it was day 17 ish and my hair had been so lifeless  and dull and starting to thin out and shed and I decided to shave it off before we left. I didn’t want clumps to be falling out on the plane. Most of all I wanted to stop worrying about it and hearing about it all the time from other people. It was constantly on my mind. I was even dreaming about losing my hair. I had already chopped it pretty short so why not go all the way now and not worry anymore? I can’t even tell you how FREEING that moment was when Ian was shaving my head. Yes, I cried. Yes, it was emotional. But I was FREE. I took control and told Cancer to shove it. I took control of my body. I did it, not chemo. I have a great wig that I am growing to love, but as much as I love it it is uncomfortable after several hours. So I mostly wear it out but at home I wear scarves.  I’ve been walking on the beach every morning. The first one I wore my wig. The past 4 I wore a scarf and it was MUCH more comfortable. It is scary but every time I wear it my confidence grows. The main reason it is scary is because it screams to strangers “I HAVE CANCER.” I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or treat me different. I don’t want people to take that extra glance or stare at me when I’m at the grocery store with my boys, and feel sorry for them because their Mother has Cancer. It’s like ok my secret is out to the WHOLE world to people I don’t know and who don’t read this little blog. To every Joe and Jane that passes by on the street. I need to get over it but for now most of the time I will wear my wig. My comfort zone. Some time on here I will post a picture of me bald, but for now you will just get my first scarf picture and some wig shots. I had a lot of pictures of the shaving process I was going to share (my husband shaved his head too hehe) and my phone got stolen the second day of Vacation. I’m not sure if those pictures are backed up or not because I think as of two weeks ago my cloud was full. So those are gone for good. The pictures from my last chemo are gone as well but I have plenty of times to take more to share. The hubs has two phones one personal one for work so I’ve at least had a phone while here to get me by. He doesn’t have facebook or any social media on it though so I have been WAY unplugged which has actually been a blessing in disguise! It’s been nice not constantly checking when I get notifications. But of course I will have it on my new phone I’m not getting THAT unplugged! 

I wear my scarf in a giant bow

I'm really starting to grow fond of my wig.

Anyways beaches (hahahaha pun intended) I better go soak up the sun while I can. Thank you for reading my vents and thoughts. I appreciate all the love and support I get. I feel so very grateful and blessed. I will write a post with more about vacation but I figure I should wait until it is over to do that.

Xoxo-Annie

Me: 1 Cancer: 0 ({Day 32})

This past Friday (Jan 30) I had my first chemotherapy treatment! I was BEYOND nervous for the big day. Since my diagnosis on Dec. 29 I had been WAITING to start fighting this bastard known as Hodgkins. My lump in my arm pit was getting bigger and more painful and I was just ready to get going. The staging phase wore me out. I was tired of hearing and seeing what I had and how bad it was and wanted to just get rid of it. It doesn't feel good living life knowing you have something horrible growing inside of you. It sucks. But now that I'm fighting I almost feel renewed! 

Wednesday I got a little surgery to put my power port in my chest. It's so I won't have to be stabbed repeatedly in my arms with IV needles when getting chemo. This is a MUCH easier way to get chemo then just an IV. Chemo is very hard on veins and I would probably have scars all over my arms if I went that route. This way I will just have two smaller incision scars on my chest. Here is a diagram to explain how the port works:

This is all under my skin. There are no tubes or anything like that, that sticks out.

They stick the needle through the middle of the port and can draw blood or put the chemicals through.

It was a same day surgery. Pretty easy. Just was sore after! 

On Thursday night I took a sleeping pill and had some of the best sleep I've had in a LONG time. I woke up Friday morning and got up not knowing what to expect. We had to be there by 9 am. The hospital I go to is 48 miles each way so we left at 8. So when you first get to the hospital for chemo they have to take your blood to check your cell counts and a whole bunch of other stuff I don't really care to understand. Since it was my first time my blood cells were good to go. For subsequent trips they check your blood to see how low your counts are because the chemo drugs basically kill most of your cells (to kill the cancer). They have to make sure your counts aren't TOO low to receive chemo. If they're too low they will either give me a shot too boost my immune system (Nuelsta) and still do it that day or send me home and check again in a day or two. My oncologist said he doesn't like to put off chemo so if that happens we will go the shot route.

Anyway, then I met with the pharmacist so they could get information from me about my history with nausea and get me a cocktail to help with that. They put me in the high risk category for it due to my 9 months of "all day sickness" with each category. I got the best drugs for it. Yay me, haha. But seriously, I have had such little nausea through this I feel that they were miracle workers. 

I am on the ABVD chemo regimen. Each letter stands for a particular drug. I will tell you the "A" drug is the one that will make me lose my hair. My regimen took about 3 ish hours after I got the IV of nausea meds. The "A" drug was pushed through the IV and it was red. The other ones looked pretty "normal." I had no pain or anything with chemo. I was mostly sore from just sitting in a recliner all morning/afternoon. So honestly, it was super uneventful. And for that I am thankful. Day 1 and 2 I was tired and a little sick, but Day 3 is where it all hit me like a truck. I could barely get up and move my limbs felt SO heavy and I just was so foggy feeling. But by day 4 (yesterday) I felt a little better. My mom was still here so I napped a couple times but felt WAY better than day 3. Today I'm on my own with the kids and am feeling at abut 80% a little tired but am handling the kids well. I couldn't go and clean my house too but right now I only care about playing with kiddos (and laying on the couch while they play....) I'm REALLY hoping that I keep reacting to chemo this way. I know it does get a little harder towards the end, but I am a true believer in positive thinking. Between that and my kids I know I will keep fighting like a bad ass (even if I don't feel like it). I will get a treatment every other week for four to six months.

I know I'm going to be losing my hair soon so I decided to chop it off, and add some crazy purple in...I really like it and hope my hair holds out for at least another month.

I feel like it is going to be FOREVER and a day until I am done with all of this. I still can't believe this is happening sometimes. I'm still pissed about it, BUT I am happy I am fighting it finally! I know that their is some reason God puts people through trials like this and I'm hoping to find my reason soon!

Step 2: Finding My New Normal ({Day 24})

In my eyes things are chaotic. 

To others it probably doesn't look that way.

 I'm really good at holding things in, which is not a good thing in itself. That is why I love writing. I feel like I can clear my mind without speaking. If that even makes sense. I do know that I need to accept that things aren't going to be how they were for a while. I need to learn things will be different BUT they will be okay. Things WILL be HARD but I know I will fight it.

Last week all of my staging tests were pretty really ****** tiring. Friday's bone marrow test was the roughest. I took a double dose of anxiety pills before that one so I wouldn't scream throughout the whole thing. Tuesday January 20th I had a PET scan which basically scans an almost 3d image of my body so we could see where the Lymphoma has spread. It blows. The day before you can't have any carbs at all and the day of you have to fast. My test wasn't until 12:45 and it took two hours to perform the scan. After we went to Panda Express and I scarfed down. Then we met up with my Oncologist who had all of my results. I was so anxious...

The Good News:

• The cancer is only in places above my diaphragm so I am Stage 2A (early stage yay!)
•  It is NOT in my bone marrow (based off of early test results. There is slight possibility they could still find something when the other centers test it but probably not).

The Not So Good News:

Besides the swollen lymph nodes in my armpit (that are full of cancer cells) I have lymph nodes in my neck that have it. Its also in my lung tissue. And lastly I have a bigger than 10 cm mass around my heart. Since the mass in my chest is bigger than 10 cm it is considered 2A Bulky. That means a longer treatment than normal. I was REALLY upset about this. But when I think logically about this I know that it is very common in Hodgkin's lymphoma (or any type) for it to be all over like this. Yeah its more chemo treatment and now most likely radiation but if that's what I have to do I will do it!

When I met with the surgeon today (consultation about my power port for chemo) he said that my type of Cancer is so rare he has only seen half a dozen cases in the past 10 years but it is still the Cancer of choice (I hear that all the time now). He said my case was presented at their board meeting and that I have a lot of doctors and other medical staff on my side all people with tons of experience with this. They are the best around and I am so glad I chose the hospital I did.

I also had ANOTHER scan today. This time a Cat scan. I've never had one of these either and it was weird. I felt like I was in a movie or something. I still can't believe this is my life now. The man that did my scan was a little crazy. I was closing my eyes through the whole thing and I when I opened them he was literally right over me and said "how'd ya do?" in a creepy voice. hahahah I literally laughed out loud and almost peed my pants. Then he said he was "sorry I'm having all these troubles it just doesn't seem right for someone so young." I said "Life's not fair but I'll get through it." What else do you say to that? I have no idea,  and it is hard having to find responses for things people say lately. Sometimes online I don't respond because its just hard. I'm planning on it and I hope I don't come across as a brat. I just can't sometimes. I have a million and one different feelings every single day. I'm happy then I'm crying then I'm mad then I'm happy again. I'm happiest with my boys. It's been so hard being away from them for all these appointments. The good news is my most common feeling is still happy. I know it will all be OK.

Upcoming schedule:

Wednesday January 28: Same day surgery to get my Power Port put in. It is a port that will be placed under my skin in my chest area so that they don't have to stab me with IV's for chemo every time. It will come out 6 to 12 months after I'm done with treatment. It will look like a bump on my chest but no big deal.

Friday January 30th: First round of ABVD chemo. I will get more into this in a later post. I am so so excited to start as weird as that sounds. I'm ready to feel better. My treatments will be every 2 weeks for 4 months. Then we will do another scan and see. After that I may need 2 more months of chemo and then a few weeks of radiation. But right now I'm just going to focus on getting through the next four months! So I will be counting down my next 8 chemo sessions like crazy!

Lots of love! xoxo-Annie

How this all Started...

((Note: This post is really poorly written, its just free hand on the events leading up to my diagnosis))

A lot of people ask how I discovered this. Let me tell you, it took me a while to realize something was off with me. We'll just get right into it...

Back in early November my left arm pit starting having little "twinges" of pain. I thought I had an ingrown hair at first or it was from my workouts. The pain continued for a few weeks and their was no sign of an ingrown hair, and it was not a "work outy" type of pain. In the shower I started pressing around in that arm pit and feel something hard. At first I thought it was part of a bone but then after thinking about it there was no way a bone was right there. Then I felt the other arm pit to compare and felt nothing like that. So later that week I asked my husband to feel it and he definitely did right away. He pushed me to get a doctor appointment. I knew I was already past due on my annual appointment so I called and made that appointment for the next week. The pain and throbbing was really starting to bug me so I called back and talked to the nurse practitioner about it who scheduled me to get an ultra sound the day before so we knew what it was. 

Anyway, the next week I go into my ultra sound (this was the second WORST ultra sound of my life not fun like when you are pregnant obviously). My husband was out of town because his Mom was getting surgery so I went in on my own. I wasn't thinking it was a big deal, until the ultra sound tech was like wow I haven't seen these this big. The "these" she was referring to were my lymph nodes and  she went and got the radiologist. At that point I was crying a bit because I know when they call in the doctor its not good. He couldn't tell me anything besides saying its either an infection or lymphoma so I'm going to suggest to your doctor to have you get a biopsy. After that I just automatically assumed it was an infection. I of course researched it and most resources said that Lymhoma  lymph nodes were not painful like mine were so I still assumed an infection. 

Fast forward, had my appointment with my doc and we scheduled a biopsy for the next day. When the radiologist looked at the ultra sound again he said "she needs to get a mammogram" ugh. I was so caught off guard. So I did that, and the mammo came back completely normal so I felt better. Then they did a core needle biopsy of my group of swollen lymph nodes. He basically stuck a long needle into a few of the biggest lymph nodes and grabbed a chunk out. I was numbed up and didn't feel anything. Still sure this was just an infection going on. 

Then they told me just a few days for the results. They said Monday or Tuesday (the ones right before Christmas). I called Tuesday and she checked and informed me that they had sent the samples to a bigger lab in Salt Lake City. I was so angry that I had to wait longer. I wanted to know what was going on. But it was Christmas in a couple days so I decided to just chill out about it. The Monday after Christmas (Dec 29) I called the radiology department again and they said they would call me back. Well then 5 minutes later the receptionist at my doctor office calls and said my doctor wanted me to come in to go over the results. I was literally in shock. I knew that was bad. Luckily, a good friend of mine came right over to watch the kids and the hubs got off work early. Who would have known that, that afternoon we would find out I had Cancer.... 

If there is ANYTHING I can stress it is, if you feel something is not right or a lump or a bump ANYWHERE please get it checked out. I'm so glad I caught this and we're hoping its still an early stage. 

Lots of Love - Annie