Annie + Cait: untitled ({Day 86})

Lately, thankfully time is going by a little faster. Much faster than the first month after diagnosis. I've had my ups and downs and am starting to feel more balanced with everything. I don't know if I will ever fully figure out how to just be normal while going through this, or I guess by normal I mean how I used to be. I start to tear up that I will probably always live with fear in the back of my mind that something could be wrong. I talk to people that have been through this (my Mom mainly) and she said that it does fade, but it is a real struggle. (See what I'm doing...already worrying about the future!)

I just finished chemo number 5 out of 12 today. It feels good to be almost half way. There is still a part of me that thinks I **might** be done after 8 but we will see how my scan goes and what my Oncologist says. I will do whatever he says, hands down. If that's 2 rounds (4 more cycles 1 every 2 weeks) of chemo and then radiation then I will do it. If he says lets go straight to radiation I will GLADLY do it! I will get another scan after 2 or 3 more cycles (so after number 7 or 8). It's very possible that the Cancer will be completely gone. I'm praying for this so bad. I know whatever happens that God has a perfect plan for me.

My last treatment was pretty rough on me so I'm hoping its not like that this time. I also got a stomach bug just a few days before chemo 5 which was NOT fun at all. I still pushed through chemo. We are staying on schedule unless something major is wrong. I love my doctor, he knows how much I need to stick to the plan.

I have been pretty hard on myself the past few weeks. I've gained 10 lbs of the 30 I've lost (mainly from steroids that I'm on.) It sucks big time but I know It's MUCH better to gain weight on chemo than lose. I need to remember that my focus is getting better not losing weight right now. It's hard because being healthy and losing weight (besides being a mommy/wife) were my main priorities before this. I have to trust in myself that I will get to a point after this is over where I will be back to measuring portions and working out daily. Now is not the time. I'm jealous of my friends who are able too (don't worry I love you all tons) but its hard sitting on the side lines. Really hard. I need to get over that. I almost feel like I've let people down. But what can I do? Fighting this is my main concern and that's what I am going to continue doing. Now this is not an excuse to binge on junk food or sweets. Definitely not. I need to treat my body kindly but I definitely can't be on my 1400 calorie plan anymore or push myself to the limits in workouts. I'm getting winded so easy now its awful, so I might just go back to walking on the treadmill and 21 day fix. Insanity and 21 day fix extreme are just too much right now.

Pretty much that's all that's new right now...here are some recent pictures