Acceptance.

First off notice anything different??? One of my best friends and I have decided to blog together because two is so much better than one right?? Introducing, Cait who is awesome and I know she will add great content to the blog. I really wanted to bring her in because she too is facing challenges and everyday overcomes them with positivity and grace and that's what I want this blog of ours to be about (plus she is AMAZING at make up so watch for great tutorials). But seriously, she has inspired me so much during my trials and I know she will do the same for all of you. We will have a longer post with more info soon once our blog design is finished!

Five months. Five months is how long it took me to finally reach the acceptance phase in this whole f'd up process. It took my diagnosis completely changing from Good to ehh not so good to be at peace with this situation. As of now I've had two of the harsher chemotherapy's and let me tell you YES they have been harder but NO they aren't bringing me down. What sucks is being in the hospital for 2 days during it. It is so boring. I better get used to it because I'll be in the hospital for 3 weeks during my bone marrow transplant. I'm also noticeably more fatigued after and the nausea breaks through a little more, but its all manageable. I have a lot of help with my kids so I am able to rest up and recover. Tomorrow (Monday) begins my "good week" so I'll be on my own with the kids and be able to just do normal fun summer stuff with them before my next dose! 

This coming Thursday (July 9) is a big big day for me. I have a PET scan to see how the Cancer is responding to this new chemo. I hope and pray to have a CR (complete response), but am expecting the worst so I won't be to let down if that's not the case. If it's not responding at all then we will have to find a different chemo that it will respond too. But the odds are pretty decent, there is about a 70% chance that it WILL respond to my current chemo.  If it is a PR (partial response) I will have two more doses of this chemo and then another scan to make sure it's gone before the transplant. If its a CR than I will just have one more dose of this chemo before transplant. 

Lastly, I'm scheduled to start the harvesting process on July 22nd after my third round of ICE. I'm nervous for all the transplant stuff because it is so much STUFF. Some days I just have to be content with knowing how up in the air things are going to be during/after but its so hard for a control freak like me. Plus I'm going to miss my kids like crazy. 

Anyway, hope this little update was informative! Keep watching for more info on all the new stuff! I hope y'all like it. Also new web address is: www.annieandcait.blogspot.com :)

I Can't Believe I'm Writing This...(Again)

Recently, A LOT of things have changed. And not in a good way. When I was diagnosed I was breathing easy because everyone told me this was this "easy" or "good" kind of Cancer. But this just in their is not any type of Cancer that is "easy" or "good." First off, Hodgkins Lymphoma as curable as it is, is very rare. There are only 7 to 8000 cases a year. So mine already being rare has gotten even rarer. I am now a part of the unlucky minority that has Primary Refractory Hodgkins. What is that? Basically, my cancer is resistant to the ABVD chemo treatment that I'm on, and not going away like it should be. It should be gone by now. But unfortunately its not. 

Let me back track a bit. This past Tuesday we went down to Salt Lake City to visit the Huntsman Cancer Institute and see a Lymphoma Specialist. This lady was awesome and I feel very lucky that she is on my team now. However, she delivered the very bad news. I was a bawling mess and luckily my husband was there to ask all the right questions. So what happens now? I still have to get my biopsy done (tomorrow), and then meet with my doctor next Wednesday to go over results. But no matter what the results I have a new much longer journey ahead of me. 

Here's whats going to happen:

Monday, June 15th: I will start a harder chemotherapy called ICE. For this you have to be admitted into the hospital and it takes three days to complete. I am going to have to find some good books and shows on Net Flix to get through these. (My awesome neighbor let me borrow the book "Unbroken" and I'm pumped to start that!) I will have 3 to 4 of these treatments and they are every two weeks.

-After 2 rounds of ICE I will get another PET Scan to see how its working. Then keep trucking along with the chemo. If I have four cycles I will have the last one July 27th. 

-After 3 ICE treatments my Stem Cells will be harvested from my bone marrow and frozen for transplant. I'm not sure of the process of this but I meet with the transplant team in Salt Lake on June 22nd to learn more and start the process.

-Wait what??? Did she just say transplant? Yes, I'll be getting a Stem Cell Transplant. This is what I'm most scared for. Scared shitless actually. Basically what will happen is I will be admitted to the hospital (Huntsman) and started on the hardest course of Chemotherapy anyone could imagine. It is going to kill every last cell inside of me. This last 6 days and I'm in the hospital the whole time. Then comes "Day 0" transplant day AKA my "RE BIRTH" day. I will get those harvested stem cells put back in and have a whole new immune system starting to develop inside of me. For the next 3 weeks I will remain in the hospital because my immunue system wont be able to handle the outside world. Its going to be hard and I won't be back to normal for months or even a year but it will all be worth it.It also usually causes infertility, but I am at peace with that and will look to God for guidance. It will be a whole new chance at this BEAUTIFUL life. I'm thankful that God and modern science have given me this "opportunity" or a whole new chance at a wonderful CANCER FREE life afterwards.

-A few months after that I will still go through radiation and then on day +100 from my transplant I will get a PET Scan which WILL be clean and Cancer free. That should be around New Years and I should be a whole new Woman by then!

Honestly, this all really sucks. And I was so mad/sad/frustrated/pissed at first. But I CAN do this. This will be (hopefully) the hardest thing I have to face in life. All I know is that my two boys and my wonderful hubby are going to have their healthy Mommy back and I can't freakin wait. 

Hurry up and WAIT

A lot of friends have been wondering why I'm getting another biopsy on my neck this time. I'll go back and update on everything that has happened the past few weeks. It's honestly almost been *too* much for me. Notice how I said ALMOST. I've pushed through and am stronger every day even when life is not going in the best way possible.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago I had my re staging PET Scan to see how well the chemo has been destroying the Cancer.

• The Good News: It is almost gone in my chest and lungs and completely gone in my arm pit.
• Not So Good News: Some lymph nodes in my neck are still "lighting up" the same amount as in my first scan. We need to find out why they are still so bright. I found out that Cancer is not the only thing that lights up in these scans. It's actually any form of "energy." So they could be lighting up still due to infection or a variety of other reasons. This is *most likely* the case. So they need to remove a few of the "hot" lymph nodes in my neck. I thought this would be a simple little surgery but it turns out since the lymph nodes are NOT swollen they need to first have me do a CAT Scan right before surgery. During the CAT scan they will place needle markers in the "hot" lymph nodes to point out which ones to remove. These needles will stick out of my neck (I will try and get a selfie) until I get them removed during surgery (I'm thinking Ill look like Frankenstein!) Within a couple days after that I will find out whether they are positive or negative for lymphoma (or heaven forbid a different type of Cancer). If they are negative then I will just continue on my treatment plan. If they are positive then I will have to see a lymphoma specialist and do a different treatment (most likely a harder chemo regimen). Please pray it is negative. If anything counts I'm feeling really good about this and my instincts tell me its going to be negative. My surgery is Wednesday June 10th so hopefully we will know about that Friday. I'm continuing with my normal chemo *tomorrow* and then the day after surgery. I only have three more after this one as long as everything goes as hoped!

  

  As you can see it does look WAY better. It's hard to see the hot spots in my neck in this picture.

Like I wrote above even with this curve ball I am feeling good. Whatever happens it will work out. My oncologist even told me he has a gut feeling its all going to be ok, and that no matter what the outcome of the biopsy we will beat this! Right now its just a "hurry up and wait" situation. I'm getting kind of used to that! I know God has a plan and he knows all so I'm trusting him, and honestly that makes me feel AMAZING. I'm in perfect hands.