Me: 1 Cancer: 0 ({Day 32})

This past Friday (Jan 30) I had my first chemotherapy treatment! I was BEYOND nervous for the big day. Since my diagnosis on Dec. 29 I had been WAITING to start fighting this bastard known as Hodgkins. My lump in my arm pit was getting bigger and more painful and I was just ready to get going. The staging phase wore me out. I was tired of hearing and seeing what I had and how bad it was and wanted to just get rid of it. It doesn't feel good living life knowing you have something horrible growing inside of you. It sucks. But now that I'm fighting I almost feel renewed! 

Wednesday I got a little surgery to put my power port in my chest. It's so I won't have to be stabbed repeatedly in my arms with IV needles when getting chemo. This is a MUCH easier way to get chemo then just an IV. Chemo is very hard on veins and I would probably have scars all over my arms if I went that route. This way I will just have two smaller incision scars on my chest. Here is a diagram to explain how the port works:

This is all under my skin. There are no tubes or anything like that, that sticks out.

They stick the needle through the middle of the port and can draw blood or put the chemicals through.

It was a same day surgery. Pretty easy. Just was sore after! 

On Thursday night I took a sleeping pill and had some of the best sleep I've had in a LONG time. I woke up Friday morning and got up not knowing what to expect. We had to be there by 9 am. The hospital I go to is 48 miles each way so we left at 8. So when you first get to the hospital for chemo they have to take your blood to check your cell counts and a whole bunch of other stuff I don't really care to understand. Since it was my first time my blood cells were good to go. For subsequent trips they check your blood to see how low your counts are because the chemo drugs basically kill most of your cells (to kill the cancer). They have to make sure your counts aren't TOO low to receive chemo. If they're too low they will either give me a shot too boost my immune system (Nuelsta) and still do it that day or send me home and check again in a day or two. My oncologist said he doesn't like to put off chemo so if that happens we will go the shot route.

Anyway, then I met with the pharmacist so they could get information from me about my history with nausea and get me a cocktail to help with that. They put me in the high risk category for it due to my 9 months of "all day sickness" with each category. I got the best drugs for it. Yay me, haha. But seriously, I have had such little nausea through this I feel that they were miracle workers. 

I am on the ABVD chemo regimen. Each letter stands for a particular drug. I will tell you the "A" drug is the one that will make me lose my hair. My regimen took about 3 ish hours after I got the IV of nausea meds. The "A" drug was pushed through the IV and it was red. The other ones looked pretty "normal." I had no pain or anything with chemo. I was mostly sore from just sitting in a recliner all morning/afternoon. So honestly, it was super uneventful. And for that I am thankful. Day 1 and 2 I was tired and a little sick, but Day 3 is where it all hit me like a truck. I could barely get up and move my limbs felt SO heavy and I just was so foggy feeling. But by day 4 (yesterday) I felt a little better. My mom was still here so I napped a couple times but felt WAY better than day 3. Today I'm on my own with the kids and am feeling at abut 80% a little tired but am handling the kids well. I couldn't go and clean my house too but right now I only care about playing with kiddos (and laying on the couch while they play....) I'm REALLY hoping that I keep reacting to chemo this way. I know it does get a little harder towards the end, but I am a true believer in positive thinking. Between that and my kids I know I will keep fighting like a bad ass (even if I don't feel like it). I will get a treatment every other week for four to six months.

I know I'm going to be losing my hair soon so I decided to chop it off, and add some crazy purple in...I really like it and hope my hair holds out for at least another month.

I feel like it is going to be FOREVER and a day until I am done with all of this. I still can't believe this is happening sometimes. I'm still pissed about it, BUT I am happy I am fighting it finally! I know that their is some reason God puts people through trials like this and I'm hoping to find my reason soon!

Step 2: Finding My New Normal ({Day 24})

In my eyes things are chaotic. 

To others it probably doesn't look that way.

 I'm really good at holding things in, which is not a good thing in itself. That is why I love writing. I feel like I can clear my mind without speaking. If that even makes sense. I do know that I need to accept that things aren't going to be how they were for a while. I need to learn things will be different BUT they will be okay. Things WILL be HARD but I know I will fight it.

Last week all of my staging tests were pretty really ****** tiring. Friday's bone marrow test was the roughest. I took a double dose of anxiety pills before that one so I wouldn't scream throughout the whole thing. Tuesday January 20th I had a PET scan which basically scans an almost 3d image of my body so we could see where the Lymphoma has spread. It blows. The day before you can't have any carbs at all and the day of you have to fast. My test wasn't until 12:45 and it took two hours to perform the scan. After we went to Panda Express and I scarfed down. Then we met up with my Oncologist who had all of my results. I was so anxious...

The Good News:

• The cancer is only in places above my diaphragm so I am Stage 2A (early stage yay!)
•  It is NOT in my bone marrow (based off of early test results. There is slight possibility they could still find something when the other centers test it but probably not).

The Not So Good News:

Besides the swollen lymph nodes in my armpit (that are full of cancer cells) I have lymph nodes in my neck that have it. Its also in my lung tissue. And lastly I have a bigger than 10 cm mass around my heart. Since the mass in my chest is bigger than 10 cm it is considered 2A Bulky. That means a longer treatment than normal. I was REALLY upset about this. But when I think logically about this I know that it is very common in Hodgkin's lymphoma (or any type) for it to be all over like this. Yeah its more chemo treatment and now most likely radiation but if that's what I have to do I will do it!

When I met with the surgeon today (consultation about my power port for chemo) he said that my type of Cancer is so rare he has only seen half a dozen cases in the past 10 years but it is still the Cancer of choice (I hear that all the time now). He said my case was presented at their board meeting and that I have a lot of doctors and other medical staff on my side all people with tons of experience with this. They are the best around and I am so glad I chose the hospital I did.

I also had ANOTHER scan today. This time a Cat scan. I've never had one of these either and it was weird. I felt like I was in a movie or something. I still can't believe this is my life now. The man that did my scan was a little crazy. I was closing my eyes through the whole thing and I when I opened them he was literally right over me and said "how'd ya do?" in a creepy voice. hahahah I literally laughed out loud and almost peed my pants. Then he said he was "sorry I'm having all these troubles it just doesn't seem right for someone so young." I said "Life's not fair but I'll get through it." What else do you say to that? I have no idea,  and it is hard having to find responses for things people say lately. Sometimes online I don't respond because its just hard. I'm planning on it and I hope I don't come across as a brat. I just can't sometimes. I have a million and one different feelings every single day. I'm happy then I'm crying then I'm mad then I'm happy again. I'm happiest with my boys. It's been so hard being away from them for all these appointments. The good news is my most common feeling is still happy. I know it will all be OK.

Upcoming schedule:

Wednesday January 28: Same day surgery to get my Power Port put in. It is a port that will be placed under my skin in my chest area so that they don't have to stab me with IV's for chemo every time. It will come out 6 to 12 months after I'm done with treatment. It will look like a bump on my chest but no big deal.

Friday January 30th: First round of ABVD chemo. I will get more into this in a later post. I am so so excited to start as weird as that sounds. I'm ready to feel better. My treatments will be every 2 weeks for 4 months. Then we will do another scan and see. After that I may need 2 more months of chemo and then a few weeks of radiation. But right now I'm just going to focus on getting through the next four months! So I will be counting down my next 8 chemo sessions like crazy!

Lots of love! xoxo-Annie

Lets Not Talk About It...

Some days I feel like I forget that I have all of this going on. BUT I think that's a good thing. I need to keep living life as much as I can especially while my immune system isn't compromised from chemo. I've been getting so encouraged from survivors and current fighters on Instagram. They seem to live pretty normal lives even with treatments and low immune systems....which is what I want...normal. 

So true!

Anyway..today I want to write about something different. I don't want to be defined by Cancer. Yes, I will write about it a lot but its not me it's not my whole life. So lets do something different...

  Before "IT" I used to write about my fitness journey. I haven't posted for MONTHS so A LOT has been going on with that. I'm still obsessed with working out. I finished all three levels of T 25 and started and finished the first month of Insanity: Max 30. In 2014 I lost a total of 29 lbs. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin but I would still like to lose 20 to 25 more. I have to put my weight loss on hold until "IT" is over but I will still be working out and eating healthy (just more healthy foods so I don't "try" to lose weight during treatment). The nutritionist said I will recover and bounce back MUCH faster if I don't lose weight during my treatment. My body needs all the nutrition it can get. My doctor did say exercising will make me feel better but probably not something as intense as Insanity so I am going to be combining 21 day fix and PiYO for my workouts. I plan on working out on my "off weeks" of chemo (I will have it every other week). If I feel like more I will work out more than that but I won't push it.

Hobbies. What else have I been up to? Besides chasing around two very active boys I have been enjoying my Silhouette Cameo. I LOVE it. I have been making workout shirts and just fun shirts in general with heat transfer vinyl that the cameo cuts. I was actually thinking of starting a little online shop but it's going to have to wait until I'm in remission. I think I'm going to make some leggings with a fun saying down the leg later this week. Hmmm...I don't have many other hobbies unless you count working out. I did finish two 5k's at the end of the year that were tons of fun. The Santa Run my friend and I ran the whole time and we weren't even running often. It made me feel pretty awesome to accomplish that because I'm not a runner at ALL!

Here is a shirt I made today...It looks a bit glossy because I haven't heat pressed the vinyl on.

I'm sure since I won't have any hair soon that I'm going to get more and more into doing makeup. Right now I'm pretty natural most the time. I LIKE wearing makeup I just don't have much time and choose straightening and doing my hair instead. Yesterday, my friend helped me try on a bunch of fun lip stick colors. I think it will help brighten up my face! Next stop she is going to teach me eyes (Caitlin see what you're getting into?!) What are some other hobbies I could start up while going through this? Ones that don't require much energy....haha!

my normal natural look hahaha

My boys are growing TOO fast and doing great. Aren't they the cutest??? (I'm not partial at ALL).

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I have a big day. I have my PET scan at 12:45 (full body scan) and then have an appointment with my doc after. We will go over all the tests I've done the past week and the scan to see what stage I'm at. Prayers for an early stage would be much appreciated.

Lots of love, and THANK YOU for all of the support.

xoxo-Annie