Step 2: Finding My New Normal ({Day 24})

In my eyes things are chaotic. 

To others it probably doesn't look that way.

 I'm really good at holding things in, which is not a good thing in itself. That is why I love writing. I feel like I can clear my mind without speaking. If that even makes sense. I do know that I need to accept that things aren't going to be how they were for a while. I need to learn things will be different BUT they will be okay. Things WILL be HARD but I know I will fight it.

Last week all of my staging tests were pretty really ****** tiring. Friday's bone marrow test was the roughest. I took a double dose of anxiety pills before that one so I wouldn't scream throughout the whole thing. Tuesday January 20th I had a PET scan which basically scans an almost 3d image of my body so we could see where the Lymphoma has spread. It blows. The day before you can't have any carbs at all and the day of you have to fast. My test wasn't until 12:45 and it took two hours to perform the scan. After we went to Panda Express and I scarfed down. Then we met up with my Oncologist who had all of my results. I was so anxious...

The Good News:

• The cancer is only in places above my diaphragm so I am Stage 2A (early stage yay!)
•  It is NOT in my bone marrow (based off of early test results. There is slight possibility they could still find something when the other centers test it but probably not).

The Not So Good News:

Besides the swollen lymph nodes in my armpit (that are full of cancer cells) I have lymph nodes in my neck that have it. Its also in my lung tissue. And lastly I have a bigger than 10 cm mass around my heart. Since the mass in my chest is bigger than 10 cm it is considered 2A Bulky. That means a longer treatment than normal. I was REALLY upset about this. But when I think logically about this I know that it is very common in Hodgkin's lymphoma (or any type) for it to be all over like this. Yeah its more chemo treatment and now most likely radiation but if that's what I have to do I will do it!

When I met with the surgeon today (consultation about my power port for chemo) he said that my type of Cancer is so rare he has only seen half a dozen cases in the past 10 years but it is still the Cancer of choice (I hear that all the time now). He said my case was presented at their board meeting and that I have a lot of doctors and other medical staff on my side all people with tons of experience with this. They are the best around and I am so glad I chose the hospital I did.

I also had ANOTHER scan today. This time a Cat scan. I've never had one of these either and it was weird. I felt like I was in a movie or something. I still can't believe this is my life now. The man that did my scan was a little crazy. I was closing my eyes through the whole thing and I when I opened them he was literally right over me and said "how'd ya do?" in a creepy voice. hahahah I literally laughed out loud and almost peed my pants. Then he said he was "sorry I'm having all these troubles it just doesn't seem right for someone so young." I said "Life's not fair but I'll get through it." What else do you say to that? I have no idea,  and it is hard having to find responses for things people say lately. Sometimes online I don't respond because its just hard. I'm planning on it and I hope I don't come across as a brat. I just can't sometimes. I have a million and one different feelings every single day. I'm happy then I'm crying then I'm mad then I'm happy again. I'm happiest with my boys. It's been so hard being away from them for all these appointments. The good news is my most common feeling is still happy. I know it will all be OK.

Upcoming schedule:

Wednesday January 28: Same day surgery to get my Power Port put in. It is a port that will be placed under my skin in my chest area so that they don't have to stab me with IV's for chemo every time. It will come out 6 to 12 months after I'm done with treatment. It will look like a bump on my chest but no big deal.

Friday January 30th: First round of ABVD chemo. I will get more into this in a later post. I am so so excited to start as weird as that sounds. I'm ready to feel better. My treatments will be every 2 weeks for 4 months. Then we will do another scan and see. After that I may need 2 more months of chemo and then a few weeks of radiation. But right now I'm just going to focus on getting through the next four months! So I will be counting down my next 8 chemo sessions like crazy!

Lots of love! xoxo-Annie

Lets Not Talk About It...

Some days I feel like I forget that I have all of this going on. BUT I think that's a good thing. I need to keep living life as much as I can especially while my immune system isn't compromised from chemo. I've been getting so encouraged from survivors and current fighters on Instagram. They seem to live pretty normal lives even with treatments and low immune systems....which is what I want...normal. 

So true!

Anyway..today I want to write about something different. I don't want to be defined by Cancer. Yes, I will write about it a lot but its not me it's not my whole life. So lets do something different...

  Before "IT" I used to write about my fitness journey. I haven't posted for MONTHS so A LOT has been going on with that. I'm still obsessed with working out. I finished all three levels of T 25 and started and finished the first month of Insanity: Max 30. In 2014 I lost a total of 29 lbs. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin but I would still like to lose 20 to 25 more. I have to put my weight loss on hold until "IT" is over but I will still be working out and eating healthy (just more healthy foods so I don't "try" to lose weight during treatment). The nutritionist said I will recover and bounce back MUCH faster if I don't lose weight during my treatment. My body needs all the nutrition it can get. My doctor did say exercising will make me feel better but probably not something as intense as Insanity so I am going to be combining 21 day fix and PiYO for my workouts. I plan on working out on my "off weeks" of chemo (I will have it every other week). If I feel like more I will work out more than that but I won't push it.

Hobbies. What else have I been up to? Besides chasing around two very active boys I have been enjoying my Silhouette Cameo. I LOVE it. I have been making workout shirts and just fun shirts in general with heat transfer vinyl that the cameo cuts. I was actually thinking of starting a little online shop but it's going to have to wait until I'm in remission. I think I'm going to make some leggings with a fun saying down the leg later this week. Hmmm...I don't have many other hobbies unless you count working out. I did finish two 5k's at the end of the year that were tons of fun. The Santa Run my friend and I ran the whole time and we weren't even running often. It made me feel pretty awesome to accomplish that because I'm not a runner at ALL!

Here is a shirt I made today...It looks a bit glossy because I haven't heat pressed the vinyl on.

I'm sure since I won't have any hair soon that I'm going to get more and more into doing makeup. Right now I'm pretty natural most the time. I LIKE wearing makeup I just don't have much time and choose straightening and doing my hair instead. Yesterday, my friend helped me try on a bunch of fun lip stick colors. I think it will help brighten up my face! Next stop she is going to teach me eyes (Caitlin see what you're getting into?!) What are some other hobbies I could start up while going through this? Ones that don't require much energy....haha!

my normal natural look hahaha

My boys are growing TOO fast and doing great. Aren't they the cutest??? (I'm not partial at ALL).

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I have a big day. I have my PET scan at 12:45 (full body scan) and then have an appointment with my doc after. We will go over all the tests I've done the past week and the scan to see what stage I'm at. Prayers for an early stage would be much appreciated.

Lots of love, and THANK YOU for all of the support.

xoxo-Annie

How this all Started...

((Note: This post is really poorly written, its just free hand on the events leading up to my diagnosis))

A lot of people ask how I discovered this. Let me tell you, it took me a while to realize something was off with me. We'll just get right into it...

Back in early November my left arm pit starting having little "twinges" of pain. I thought I had an ingrown hair at first or it was from my workouts. The pain continued for a few weeks and their was no sign of an ingrown hair, and it was not a "work outy" type of pain. In the shower I started pressing around in that arm pit and feel something hard. At first I thought it was part of a bone but then after thinking about it there was no way a bone was right there. Then I felt the other arm pit to compare and felt nothing like that. So later that week I asked my husband to feel it and he definitely did right away. He pushed me to get a doctor appointment. I knew I was already past due on my annual appointment so I called and made that appointment for the next week. The pain and throbbing was really starting to bug me so I called back and talked to the nurse practitioner about it who scheduled me to get an ultra sound the day before so we knew what it was. 

Anyway, the next week I go into my ultra sound (this was the second WORST ultra sound of my life not fun like when you are pregnant obviously). My husband was out of town because his Mom was getting surgery so I went in on my own. I wasn't thinking it was a big deal, until the ultra sound tech was like wow I haven't seen these this big. The "these" she was referring to were my lymph nodes and  she went and got the radiologist. At that point I was crying a bit because I know when they call in the doctor its not good. He couldn't tell me anything besides saying its either an infection or lymphoma so I'm going to suggest to your doctor to have you get a biopsy. After that I just automatically assumed it was an infection. I of course researched it and most resources said that Lymhoma  lymph nodes were not painful like mine were so I still assumed an infection. 

Fast forward, had my appointment with my doc and we scheduled a biopsy for the next day. When the radiologist looked at the ultra sound again he said "she needs to get a mammogram" ugh. I was so caught off guard. So I did that, and the mammo came back completely normal so I felt better. Then they did a core needle biopsy of my group of swollen lymph nodes. He basically stuck a long needle into a few of the biggest lymph nodes and grabbed a chunk out. I was numbed up and didn't feel anything. Still sure this was just an infection going on. 

Then they told me just a few days for the results. They said Monday or Tuesday (the ones right before Christmas). I called Tuesday and she checked and informed me that they had sent the samples to a bigger lab in Salt Lake City. I was so angry that I had to wait longer. I wanted to know what was going on. But it was Christmas in a couple days so I decided to just chill out about it. The Monday after Christmas (Dec 29) I called the radiology department again and they said they would call me back. Well then 5 minutes later the receptionist at my doctor office calls and said my doctor wanted me to come in to go over the results. I was literally in shock. I knew that was bad. Luckily, a good friend of mine came right over to watch the kids and the hubs got off work early. Who would have known that, that afternoon we would find out I had Cancer.... 

If there is ANYTHING I can stress it is, if you feel something is not right or a lump or a bump ANYWHERE please get it checked out. I'm so glad I caught this and we're hoping its still an early stage. 

Lots of Love - Annie